Replacing “No” with “Whoa.”: Three Questions to Help Us Avoid Making Assumptions

Being human, we are prone to two behaviors that impact our ability to both think critically and communicate effectively.

First, we tend to make assumptions about other people’s comments and behaviors.

Second, because of those assumptions, we tend to judge others based on our own filters and perspectives.

Both of these actions create barriers to thinking more broadly about whatever exchange we just had with a colleague or client. That initial decision we made about their motives and objectives is hard to overcome the longer we maintain it. If we can adjust our thinking immediately, in the moment, we’re more likely to stay open to different interpretations about someone else’s statement about – or position on – an issue.

As with all aspects in life, it’s hard to break bad habits. It’s easier to replace a bad habit with a better habit. Here are three easy questions we can ask ourselves as reflexes when we have just made an assumption or judged someone else’s behavior. If you make a habit of swapping your instinctive questions for these alternatives, you’ll find yourself more open to new ideas and different perspectives.

Alternative Question 1:
Picture yourself in a work or personal situation where someone has just suggested a course of action that makes little sense to you. When your immediate reaction is, “What the heck is he thinking?!” promptly follow that with, “What additional information does he have that I don’t have?”

Very often in work settings, our frustration with the decisions of others comes from a lack of information. Our manager or another stakeholder has just shared with us a decision with which we disagree, but given time constraints, confidentiality issues, or other factors, they haven’t shared all of the information that led to that decision. We’re confused by the decision, and are thinking solely about how the decision impacts us, which is a completely human reaction, but not always helpful for giving us a broader perspective.

In addition, depending on who shared the information and our pre-disposition to that person’s credibility, we’re likely to make a snap decision about whether or not we like the idea. Once we form that opinion, it takes a lot of humility and reflection to change our minds. (We can all be overconfident and stubborn at times.) If instead of letting our snap judgment coalescence in our brain, immediately seek perspective by staying open to someone else’s idea and the fact that there may be information you don’t yet possess. Seeking that information by asking some thoughtful questions, without any judgmental tone in our voice, can help us not only gather the information we need, but judge that information more impartially. Then, if we still think our colleague’s idea is misguided, we’re at least making that judgement with information, reason, and analysis.

Alternative Question 2:
Our ideas and perspectives arise not just from information, but from our experience. The next time someone shares an idea that causes you to think, “How could that possibly make any sense?” follow that question with, “From what perspective could that make sense?”

We each view the world not just through our own lens, but through myriad filters based on our life experiences, opportunities, and challenges. While your colleague’s idea makes no sense to you because of your own path, clearly it makes sense to them. We don’t always know what business opportunities or job path has brought our colleague to this point in their career, but clearly, it’s led them to being on this team and reaching their conclusion that you disagree with. Respect for their conclusion will allow you to have a more open, honest, and productive conversation, which will help move the discussion forward.

Respect for someone else’s opinion does not mean you ultimately have to agree with someone else’s ideas. While all perspectives are legitimate, not all conclusions are equal in value. Some ideas are better than others and some ideas are just plain bad. Honoring and trying to understand those different perspectives, however, leads to better, more respectful relationships, which in turn, helps us all learn and become more persuasive and effective.

Alternative Question 3:
Finally, our frame of reference is formed not just from the information we have or our job history or level of education. It’s formed from fate, and from how the forces of the world cooperate to support us or conspire against us. When someone offers an opinion that seems overly cautious or blatantly reckless, we tend to think, “Why so timid?” or “Why the rush?” Follow that question with, “What’s the roadblock,” or “What’s prompting the urgency?”

We can’t walk in other people’s shoes or fully know their path. We can, however, remind ourselves that there are other types of shoes and an endless number of paths. Simply pausing and trying to drill down deeper, keeps our judgmental brain from building up speed and becoming an unstoppable train that can derail trust and undermine effective cooperation.

The key to the process is to make it habitual. Our assumptions “paint” a picture of someone else’s ideas. The trick is to change that picture before the paint dries. If the alternative questions I am suggesting are too complex, try this simplified process instead. Every time you hear an idea you think is crazy or misguided, when you hear yourself say, “No,” which feels final, follow it with “Whoa,” which suggests moderation and care. Then, ask yourself what questions you need to ask the other person to close the gap on your perspectives.

Originally published on Forbes.com.