Choose Your Words Carefully. You’ll Be Grateful.

Our word choice matters. It determines the tone of our messages and whether those messages have impact. Years ago, I was sitting with a group of colleagues toward the end of a long day of work. We were discussing how we each made decisions and approached our daily challenges. As the conversation became increasing personal, one of my colleagues, Alison, casually said,

“I choose to live in gratitude.”

The line struck me instantly and has stayed with me ever since, both for its simplicity and its beauty. It’s worth unpacking that line word by word to understand why it’s so striking. The analysis is also instructive on how we can communicate with more impact.

“I choose to live in gratitude.”

“I” – Alison didn’t start with, “You should,” which would have been presumptuous. She didn’t start with, “I think we all should,” which would have been preachy. She started with a simple, “I,” which emphasized her humble approach to sharing her perspective about what works for her, without casting an ideal for everyone or assuming what works for her should work for all. She made it very personal and specific.

“Choose” – If Alison had just said, “I live in gratitude,” it would have been a statement about the statis of her life. By using, “choose,” she emphasized that it’s a conscious decision she has made regarding how she lives her life. Sometimes we don’t want to be grateful. Since she is human, I assume Alison sometimes feels slighted, or selfish, or needy, or demanding. But she persistently “chooses” to feel grateful, and to find in the moment that for which she can be thankful. It’s a statement about free will. She could decide to feel any way she wants at the moment, but she has the agency to choose gratitude.

The notion of being grateful for what you are given can suggest a certain complacency with your lot in life or your situation. It can come across as supplicant or, for lack of a better term, weak. But by phrasing it as choosing to live in gratitude, Alison made her choice a result of strength and control. It made her statement one of power, compared to if she had said, “I’ve learned to be happy with what I have.”

“To live” – Simple is better than complicated. Alison could have been more detailed by saying, “approach every conversation,” or “respond to every challenge” but she used the simple phrase “to live,” which emphasized how completely she has internalized her approach. Any other positioning would have suggested she consciously thinks about her reaction to every conversation and interaction, and perhaps she does. But her language suggested that her approach is who she has decided to be rather than how to chooses to respond. It’s a deeper commitment to her choice.

“In” – Prepositions are important. They “position” our words – and therefore our ideas – to each other. If someone were to live “with fear,” or “by vengeance,” or “on adrenalin,” the relation between their life and their driving force is radically different. By using “in” Alison positioned her life as within a characteristic rather than alongside it. She chose a very intimate word to express a very intimate relationship.

“Gratitude” – “Thanks” can be an action as well as a feeling. “Appreciation” can seem distant and formal. “Gratitude,” however, suggests a more meaningful experience. Where “thanks” can be transactional, a quick expression in response to an interaction, “gratitude” suggests a more thoughtful and more deeply felt response.

Delivery is also important. Alison stated her perspective in a matter-of-fact tone without strong emphasis on any one word. She spoke as if she were sharing an inner monologue. It’s important to bring the right vocal inflection to any conversation. In this case, a flat delivery was the right inflection to use. It left the emphasis on the words rather than the speaker.

In sum, Alison’s word choice and tone made her statement meaningful and memorable. What lessons can we draw from that?

1. Keep it short. I don’t remember anyone else’s statement from that gathering of colleagues, nor do I remember my own comment. There’s a very strong possibility that, unlike Alison’s comment, my contribution was too long, too preachy, too arcane, and not actionable.
2. Consider your verbs. Verbs drive the action in any sentence. Every time I use weak verbs like the “to be” verb – am, are, is, was, were, had, has, – I look for a way to rewrite the sentence to use a verb that actually has meaning. I have started hundreds of Monday morning emails with “I hope you had a great weekend,” only to immediately rewrite my opening to “I hope you enjoyed the weekend.” It’s not a huge difference, but it’s my way of reminding myself to challenge the verb in every sentence.
3. Reflect on your purpose in writing or speaking. Is the moment about a transaction or a relationship? Do your tone and word choice reflect that you are trying to get something accomplished like checking something off your To Do list, or that you are trying to express something more meaningful, such as strengthen a connection with someone? I write dozens of emails to clients and colleagues every day. I need to get stuff done. I use transactional language during those elements of my message. But I also remember that I would not have any transactions to discuss if I didn’t build tight relationships. That language plays a key role in every message as well.
4. Finally, live in gratitude. It beats all the other options.

 Originally published on Forbes.com.